I admit it...

I am bad at keeping up on this blog, but I strive to be better.

I am also bad at dealing with crisis or percieved crisis until I have a chance at processing them.

Once again an admission...

I am fearful. I am so in love with my sweet mini, that when left to ponder what the future means for mini and our family, I am fearful...

Every time my phone rings and the distinguishable id says its from the state offices I think...is this the day they tell me that she must go home to those who share her biology? If I take this call are they going to tell me it is finished, we can process her adoption? Could this be the day they let me know that the plan is to return her back to a biological parent?

Today my call was to tell me that we needed to schedule our last adoption homestudy visit. Its bittersweet. When I pictured what our adoption homestudy process would look like, and how it would differ from our fostercare homestudy, I pictured us sure of the outcome. Sure that the child we were being appointed to be homestudied for would be legally free already. Sure that it would be a celebration, every step of the way. It wouldn't matter to us how intrusive, or lengthy the process, it wouldn't matter that we needed to go here, no there, and get this form, that documentation medical information because it would be our final step towards finality.

Our case has not gone the way we planned at all. In fact it has been the type of case we prayed we would not get. Even now we feel so unsettled. We will be thankful when we are done processing our homestudy however the celebration we thought it would be just will not be a part of it. There is still a possibility the state or the judge can decide that Anaiah must be returned home. We would be undone if that were to happen. We chose to not dwell on those possibilities because we refuse to allow our time with her to be spent mourning.