After having 2 littles who were with our family for a long time it was only a matter if time before we ended up with shorter term placements. The move in our state right now is to stabilize families and get littles ones home to their parents as soon as possible. It's a good general rule as long as kids are protected and the parents are able to succeed. Almost 2 weeks ago our sweet baby J joined his mama, it was my happiest return home ever. She worked so hard from the beginning to be successful, it's a case I needed to participate in, to encourage me to believe in exemption and reunification...we love baby J and we love his mama and we are so excited to see what God has for them. Along those same lines, our break between when baby J went home and when our newest tiny guy joined our family was short. We were told about so tiny while he was still in the nici just days after baby J went home. Each day we would wait to here if that day was the day so tiny would get to go home....it took a few extra days and I finally got the news that it was time for me to head to the nicu to learn how to care for so tiny. I drove to the hospital wondering what he would look like and how our lives would change caring for a preemie...I went up to Nicu, scrubbed in and prepared to fall in love with our 10th little one. 10 little ones who have become a part of our family, nestled their way into our hearts, permanently etched into the floor plan of our lives, tiny fingerprints upon my heart that I will always hold dear, always remember, always claim as my own. So I prepared for number 10, still a little weary and emotional after sweet baby J's departure and not at all ready not at all prepared to throw myself heart first into 6 pounds of innocence, Gods calling on my heart to love, to hold him, to be mama to him while his other mama can't. Each time I prepare for a new little one I grieve and remember the other ones I love and it aches. It's a beautiful and painful all in one emotion. My heart is full, my soul is blessed, but the sting of loss is there, in the back of my throat, in the pooling of tears in the corners of my eyes.
I pulled myself together, walked up the stairs and prepared to meet my newest son, my newest tiny guy who will surely capture my heart. I love being a mama to son, I love blue clothes, and denim. I imagine the boys they will be...I don't know if I will Ever get a chance to raise them to toddlerehood, or even attend their little league games but the promise of being a mama to a boy still resonates with me somewhere in the grey corners of my heart where I don't visit too often. The areas of wanting...of permanency...the desire to know...the desire to watch Bryan raise a son...I don't visit those areas to often. But on my drive as I pulled into the hospital parking lot I went there, for just a moment and allowed myself not wonder. I just said goodbye to a son and it was already time to pick up another one.
After washing up the nurse took me to his little room and there he was snuggled into his isolette waiting for me. He is beautiful and early and we need to be oh so careful with him. However it's like with each little one God realigns my arms to fit them perfectly. So we spent the day snuggling, as I read to him, sang to him and just was able tone with him. The nurses where amazing and within 12 hours we were on our way home, to a new normal of alcohol wash, isolation, and avoiding germs at all cost, to daily weight checks, and a mama who is now interrogating any one who dare come over to make sure germs a d danger stay away. Once again I am sleepless, and tired but filled with my own version of "new mom" endorphins.
In other news our amazing girl had a milestone birthday that we celebrated in a big way. It involved a bowling alley, custom made bowling shirts, around 60 people and tons of love...blessed indeed to have amazing family and and friends who are family who surround us with love and acceptance for our crazy ways.
No comments:
Post a Comment