My Samuel a Mothers Day Post

I didn’t get to do my mother’s day post on Sunday because I was too busy enjoying said day. So here goes. I became a mother unexpectedly and while I was filled with excitement it was also mingled with other emotions. When my eyes rested upon my first born, my daughter, all the fear and apprehension melted away. I was created to be a mother; it was a sure as I had ever been in my life. My journey as a mother changed when year after year passed waiting for our next blessing. As each year passed more fear and unbelief crept into my heart and I found myself in a place of barrenness. It affected every part of my life. I couldn’t concentrate on the sound of my daughters laugh, the deepness of my husband’s love or the truths of my savior because the voice of unbelief was so much louder than the truth. I gave my unbelief precedence in my life. Then something amazing happened. I surrendered, I relinquished my quest for pregnancy, and I chose to live instead. No more would each day be consumed with what could be, it was time to live for what was. I relished in Hannah’s joy, snuggled into the safety of Bryan’s arms and began to allow the truths of God speak to me once again. During this time, a friend prayed over me, as she was praying she told me it was time to name my child. So that I would believe that God was going to answer this prayer. I did just that, naming my child “Samuel” and each day I prayed for this child and each day I lived my life for what it was rather than waiting for what was to come. Then life changed again and cancer came and answered the question of Infertility with a resounding yes. We were back to barrenness. Yet, God who brings life was bigger than this barrenness. This barren season did not mean death it meant a different life. God answered in his way and brought me my Samuel, the answer to my prayers the cry of my heart. My Samuels came with families of their own, needing love and care for a season and offering me chance after chance to trust who he said he was. God brought them one by one, and just like Hannah before me, he asked me to trust him with their lives. He asked me to love them and trust him. I learned that God could give me the desire of my heart and still allow brokenness. I learned it was better to be broken yet obedient to the King of Kings that to live in the land of barrenness and unbelief. So I obeyed and I loved and I lived and I grieved and I repeated this over and over again. My journey to motherhood is different, it is filled with regret, bitterness, unbelief, yet it is not defined by any of those things. My journey to motherhood is defined by JOY, OBEDIENCE, BEAUTY IN BROKENNESS, my journey allows for my story to be about restoration and healing and believing that God is who he says he is even when life is not what we want it to be. The name Samuel has two meanings, God has answered, and God will heal. So with each of my Samuels God did just what he promised. God answered the cries of my heart in his way and his time and because of his sweet wisdom his answer brought about healing. I am no longer barren (well maybe by the words standards) I am no longer defined by the limitations of my body or the crippling effects of unbelief because I have been healed by Gods answer over my life. So on this mother’s day I snuggled sweet Mia, enjoyed the animated presence of Hannah, and talked about the future with Shyla. Through each moment my eyes would search out my partner and I would swell with love for the one who God sent to lead my family. As I went to bed on Sunday night I prayed for each of my children, each of my Samuels and once again told God I trusted him. For so long I prayed for my child yet was shackled with unbelief. I allowed the title of barren woman define me more completely than anything else in my life. Yet now I rejoice…for God has answered my cries in a way I could have never imagined. It is not the answer I expected, not the answer I appreciate on many days yet it is my calling. With his answer, he brought healing and I am so thankful for that.