Silence

I have been silent for some time. Unable to sign on and try to go through the motions to exlain 1. Why my family looks the way it looks, and 2. What could happen in the future to change the way it looks. For those who live outside the world of fostering and the limitations within the walls of the fostering structure its hard to comprehend my previous sentences. So I will explain. It goes against nature to constantly have to explain your family to people around you. Sure there is your everyday family and friends who know you, they get it to an extent. Then there are the people on the street who comment on your children, and as a parent we politely say, "why thanks, we thing so too" in reference to their beauty or wit, or cuteness that is overflowing. Yet in our hearts and minds we wonder, do we say something, do we claim their beauty as out own, is that lying? So I remain silent.

Its hard this road, its hard to put into an explanation when I still after more than two years do not understand the process completely. I have done a terribly job keeping my readers(reader) informed about our walk through fostering Mini miss, because sometimes I hide in my silence. If I do not blog, or write or update people then there is comfort in just being for a while. Just being a family without constantly mentioning the world that could rip my family apart. Just being a mama who takes her little one to the library, and play groups. Not the foster mama who sits in an emtpy foster parent "lounge" after dropping her toddler off in the baby bonding room to spend time with her mom. The one who gets the title with no other words attached. The woman who by mere biology gets to KNOW she is mini's mom.

Silence is easier than explaining why at almost 17 months old, mini still has not been given the right of permancency, in our family or anywhere else, because its such a hard choice for the judge to make that there must be more time taken. More time, precious time I get with my girl, true. Yet it is time for permanency. It is time for this little one to know without a doubt who her mama and dada are. There is no question in her sweet little eyes who she looks to, who she directs her tiny squeeky voice out when saying the words that are like sweetness to my soul. Mama, mama, mama with outstretched arms she looks to me to be her everything. Its my job. Its my priviledge. Its not my right, not yet anyway. My right to claim my child legally rest on the truth that someone loses. It doesn't matter why or how, it just matters that someone does. Sometimes we have to have grace and mercy on the other person because if we are on the losing end we would desire that for ourselves.

Silence is safe sometime. I don't have to put myself and my story out there for the world to judge and question. I get exhausted answering questions there are still no answers too.

In november a committee of people chose to allow us to start our homestudy process(yes another homestudy) to be appointed as minis adoptive placement. We started going through all that involves later in novemeber. This should be so exciting. Yet a judge has not ruled that mini should not return home. In fact mini's mama is still fighting to get her home with her. So we are still in a holding pattern. So our whole hometudy process could be a waste of time. It could mean nothing. The intrusive interviews ( in addition to are already extentive foster care homestudy), the opening up of our home, our lifestyle, our child, our family and friends, it could all be for nothing. However it will always be worth it. Its hard to guard our hearts and the hearts of those around us, when for all intents and purposes things could be moving in the direction we would love to see things move in. We just don't know. How do we explain this process to those who don't live in on a daily basis. The answer is we can't, so I have rested in silence for awhile. Yet my fingers are itching to hover over my keyboard. Clicking away and crafting our story, because who else is there to share it with, share my heart with? So I am breaking my silence in order to start processing what our life looks like and how it has changed me.